Monday, August 20

World's Worst Foods

Have I mentioned that I'm sort of a spreadsheet nerd? Yeah, actually, I wrote a book on the subject. Total dweeb.

Over the weekend I began wondering which foods were the most protein dense...And couldn't find an answer online. Or anywhere else.

So I crunched the numbers myself, using the USDA's nutrition database (which database, it turns out, contains some weird glitchy errors, but now they're all sorted. Are you listening, government?)

And now I am the proud owner of a database of 1150 food items, analyzed by weight and caloric content, cross referenced with protein loads.

You'll be delighted to know I have actual numbers to back up the following assertion: Milky Way bars will kill you.

It's true.

Here, by my reckoning, are the five worst foods sold in the United States of America. My standard? Calories per gram of weight. Let's do this Letterman style:

  • Number five: Lard. (9 cal/gram)
  • Number four: Flax Seed. (10 cal/gram)
  • Number three: Gumdrops  (13 cal/gram)
  • Number two: Donuts (14 cal/gram)
And the number one most terrible food you can buy?
  • A Milky Way bar, with a rip-roaring 15 calories for every tiny gram of chocolately goodness.
Wait. That didn't come out right.

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If Neil Diamond had eaten as many Milky Way bars as I have, he'd be too embarrassed to sing this song: He Ain't Heavy.