Monday, June 4

A Horse Tale

One day a farmer walks into a bar.

"Give me something strong," he says.

The bartender hands him a drink. "Bad day?"

"I'll say. I thought I'd be rich. Now I'd just gonna drink myself blind."

"What happened?"

"Well, I had this horse, you see, and I thought maybe I'd train him to go without food. So last month I cut his rations in half. Then each week, I'd cut them in half again, until two days ago, I cut him off entirely."


"Yep, and just when I thought I'd cured him of eating, the damned horse up and died."

* * * *

B'dunk. Here's the problem with food addictions: Unlike booze and cigarettes, you can't just go cold turkey. Cold turkey. Turkey sandwiches. Turkey and gravy. D'oh!

Anyway. As I was saying. Food is the only addiction you can't just end. You've still got to eat. And diets that restrict food intake by quantity just can't last long term. We fatties simply lack the psychological makeup for it. I don't want to spend my life counting calories, sneaking candy bars, pretending that a bite of cookie dough doesn't count as calories, and just plain feeling resentful.

That's how I got myself to this weight in the first place. Calories don't count if I'm standing up while eating. Calories don't count if I'm mad. Calories don't count if it's Christmas, any holiday, my birthday, or someone else's birthday. They don't count if I'm driving, or at a restaurant, or...well,'s hard to think of a situation where I can't rationalize the non-existence of calories. The whole thing's more trouble than it's worth.

History tells me there's only one thing that works for me: Eat as much as I want. Stop counting calories. Eat my fruits and veggies, in  massive quantities -- so massive that I can't cram in anything else. Eat 'em fresh and unprocessed, because that's where all the nutrition is. Don't coat them in animal byproducts, because that's what clogs veins and makes me fat. Just keep shoving carrots down my craw, and eventually I'll be trim and healthy. How easy is that?

By the way, I went to the gym today and weighed myself on the official scale. I'm down 13 pounds since my weigh in, five days ago. Yes, I know it's nearly all water weight -- whatever that really means (if I'd kept the weight on, would that be water weight?) -- but still. Nothing but fresh fruits and veggies. And I feel great.

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