Tuesday, July 31

Etiquette for the Severely Tacky

Ever wondered whether you might have a touch of the white trash? Ever wish other people would secretly describe you as gracious? Classy?

You’re in luck. Today we’re offering a course in good manners, open to the general public, and absolutely free of charge.  

Instructions: Rate yourself on the following behaviors. We grade on a scale of Jacqueline Kennedy (5) to Britney Spears, circa 2007 (1).

Have you ever:

  • Asked people who’ve obviously been losing weight what their secret is: 5.
  • Brawled in public: -1.
  • Asked women when their baby is due: 2.
  • Asked people who’ve been losing weight whether they’re seeing a doctor: 2.
  • Offered fat people candy bars: 3.
  • Refused a candy bar to a fat person because “you don’t need that”: -1.
  • Asked people whether they’re on a diet: 2.
  • Told other people they need to go on a diet: -1
  • Browbeat people who are dieting into eating things they’ve declined: 1.
  • Told people who’ve declined food that they need to eat more protein: 2.
  • High-fived people who tell you they’ve achieved some goal: 5.
  • Tried to one-up them: 3.
  • Told them they’d never be able to sustain their achievements: -1.
  • Offered encouragement to your friends: 5.
  • Had more than two enemies: 2.
  • Bullied people because they’re shy, nice, fat, busy, pimply, unhealthy, or otherwise reluctant to do what you want them to do: -1.

Score yourself:
25+ : When you become first lady, people will worship at your feet.
18 to 25: Time to pay a little more attention to the way you treat other people.
9 to 18: Did you lose the key to your trailer? Or did the sheriff lock you out?
Below 9: When other people call you a jerk, they’re probably being nice. Be grateful they’re not armed.

So there you have it. You want a high score from the Hundred Raw School of Etiquette? Be kind. Be polite. Be encouraging. Ask, don’t order. And above all, don’t make public scenes. Live your life so that nobody ever, ever, ever invites you to star on an episode of the Jerry Springer show, and you’ll graduate cum laude from our little university.

Score a little low? Don't fret. Jerry Jeff Walker likes his women just A Little on the Trashy Side.

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