Tuesday, May 29

Tomorrow's the Big Day

I've been loading on the lard for a couple of weeks now, all in anticipation of my big weigh in. Believe me, "big" is the operative word here. This is how really, really big feels:
  • My arms no longer drop to my side. They now hang at about an 8-degree cant.
  • My back hurts -- oh, lordy, how my back hurts! Across my hips, down the outside of my legs, pressing into my heels.
  • My vision is restricted. Yup. Little pig eyes are real thing!
  • My wedding ring pinches. I can't even wriggle it off my finger.
  • Zippers don't. For the past week, I haven't been able to squeeze into anything that doesn't close with a drawstring. Not even elastic is strong enough to keep this hot mess together.
  • Stairs? Fuhgeddaboudit. I'm back to traversing stairs on hands and knees, because I'm pretty darned sure it's safer than risking another slip and fall.
  • Bending over. I'm about as flexible as a refrigerator right now. I may have to buy myself a pedicure because I'm too large to clip my own toenails.
  • Marks. Everything I wear -- shoes, socks, waistbands -- leaves impressions on my skin that don't go away for about an hour after removal.
  • Overlap. All fat people get fat the same way: rolls in the back, an apron of extra stomach in the front, and thighs and upper arms that overlap elbows and knees. Bring on the diaper rash cream! My elbows are sweating!
  • No eye contact. I find myself ducking my head in public. I don't want anyone to look me in the eye, to notice me, to see me. I just want to be invisible. I can barely stand to leave the house.
  • Acid reflux. I have been downing Prilosec like it could save my life. If I forget, I wake up an hour later choking.
I freakin' cannot wait to stop gaining weight. Not another bite. No, really, I couldn't. I am larger than I've ever been, and I actually disgust myself. At this moment in time, no food on earth sounds good. I may be cured of eating (though every Thanksgiving dinner in history suggests I'll get over it in an hour or two).

Tomorrow I have about a dozen errands to run, including a dental appointment. At 6:30 pm, it's a weigh in at the gym, and we're off and running. I will be the biggest loser!